There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
