im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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