capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
