I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize