apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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