Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
