My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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