I wannas sexs uuuuu
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
