ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
