my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize