I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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