I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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