peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
