Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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