I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
