my soul wont recognize me after tonight
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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