Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
either way he was missing a nipple.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Oh god it's open bar.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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