I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
