That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
