maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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