Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
