Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
We need to rekindle our bromance
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
