a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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