Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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