Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
