4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
