Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
