I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize