I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
