What a fucking waste of an outfit
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
