you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
