Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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