my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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