Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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