I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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