Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
