I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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