I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
