the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
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