conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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