The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
