I am spending my child support on dildos
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
