Your dad touched me again.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
