I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
