apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You are the jesus of drinking
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
