Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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