I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
