Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
