Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
two words: eviction party
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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