had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
