you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
