My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
