I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
