Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
