I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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