I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
