I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
