He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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