I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize