I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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