I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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