she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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