And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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