When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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