come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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