forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
