If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Still dying that you shit outside
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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