He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
