ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
